When I Feel Like I’m Losing the Battle | Psoriasis Journey

When I feel like I’m losing the battle | psoriasis journey

By: Arvie Florencio

 

I promised to journey with you with my chronic skin condition. Well today, I am sharing a low point in my journey. I thought long and hard before posting this because I was inclined to just disappear from the world wide web for the time being until I feel better about myself. But I thought, “Isn’t journeying with someone means you share both the good and the bad?” And so here it is, a moment in my psoriasis journey when I feel like I’ve lost.

In the first two months of my program with my naturopath, my psoriasis plaques dried and smoothened. It was going so well. 

I am now in the third phase and third month of the program. Plaques started to come back a week ago. “Why is it back? Why do I have it in a spot where it wasn’t there before? Why do I have this now when I thought I was starting to make huge progress?” Confusion, panic, and self-blame started to creep in. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed so dim and far away. The happy hopeful thoughts I clung unto seemed to release its grasp, slowly fading away, too far within my reach.

I look at my skin again and I feel that familiar feeling which I hate feeling about myself - disgust. I run my hands across my skin and feel those bumps. My whole body feels so itchy. Sleeping is very hard as I scratch here and there. I hate it. I hate all of it. 

To be honest, these are the moments when I just want to disappear. I want to be like a bubble and pop into nothingness. I just want to give up. How long will I have to go through this? Will this last until my dying breath? 

And then I see my son coming to me, telling me how much he loves me. I see my husband who so lovingly puts ointments on my back and assures me that no matter what, he loves me despite my skin condition. God knows I need them. They are the balm to my soul, and bring healing to my heart. 

And as much as their presence in my life brings me joy, I know that my presence in their lives make a difference too. They need me as much as I need them. That’s why I choose to not give up. That’s why I choose to fight for healthier skin. I want to continue to serve my family because seeing them well taken care of brings me so much joy.

I am not better yet, still itchy, and I sometimes feel like my skin is on fire. I have no explanation, no encouraging words. Just know that if you’re going through something similar, you are not alone. And if you ever feel like giving up, think of those special people in your lives who are not giving up on you, continuing to love and support you. You are needed. You are loved.



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