My husband and I recently had an argument. It was about him feeling unloved and rejected by me. He felt that I was not giving him enough attention, especially in the area where he feels most loved - physical touch. I can hear the hurt in his voice but I felt indignant to his accusations.
Battling skin condition everyday requires me to put a huge amount of time into my self-care. I need a couple of hours everyday to soak, put on moisturisers, and apply my medications. Doing this everyday gets tiring. I feel burnt out from this routine but I have to do it. I watch my favourite dramas or read a book until I fall asleep. This is how I detach from my reality, a means to escape from this suffering.
I did not realise that in the process, I became a person I did not want to be. I felt entitled to have my time for self-care. I felt like it was my right to be given the space that I needed. I thought my husband’s needs were less than my needs. He had no right to demand from me. He should know that I am tired and spent on my own suffering.
I blamed it all on this disgusting, frustrating skin condition. I blamed it all on psoriasis. I wanted to tell my husband that this is not my fault, it’s because of this disease! But do I allow this skin condition to take over my marriage? Do I allow this condition to take over my life and turn me into a person I don’t want to be?
The buck should stop with me. I cannot let psoriasis dictate the course of my relationships, and even my goals and dreams in life. Yes, I suffer from this but I do not want to be a helpless victim. I want to fight it until the end.
I then asked God to give me more strength as I do not have any more strength to give. I asked to be filled with love as I had no more love to give, even for myself. I asked for strength to be humble and admit my shortcomings. I apologised for causing my husband pain and for making him feel rejected and unwanted while he does as much as he can to make me feel loved and cared for.
This really taught me a lesson about myself, this skin condition, and how it can affect relationships. I should not let psoriasis consume my life. Yes - there is no cure and everyday is a battle, but I should persevere for the people that I love. This journey becomes bearable because they are here with me and they choose to be with me. And for that, I am humbled and grateful.